Surviving

Today was not my day. As someone who is a constant planner, being pregnant has definitely put me through a loop as I have rode on the rollercoaster of hormones and tiredness. For the first time in my college career, I am behind in my classes. Not by much, but in the last month my pregnancy has caused me to slack in my assignments as I attend appointments but also as I begin to feel weary in my body. I have a hard time sleeping, my muscles are always sore, and I am hormonal and can only take so much mentally now. 

In this season I can feel my people pleasing side rear its head as I am constantly fighting the need to be the best that I can be in classes so I can have the highest grade but also so that the professors don’t look down on me as I lack in effort. This past month has been really hard as I start to figure out what I can and can’t do, physically and mentally. Between juggling school, pregnancy, serving at church, and other things in my personal life, I feel like I am always letting someone down if I have to cancel or if I can’t complete something in time. But this month has also been a constant reminder that I need to give myself grace and rest. This weekend I had a goal of catching up completely in my classes and instead I ended up having a minor symptom that caused me to have an impromptu doctor visit, I had family obligations, and of course waking up this morning I was so exhausted from the past week and the weekend that I couldn’t get out of bed except to eat. 

All day I kept beating myself up over not being able to complete a single assignment because I was so tired that I could barely comprehend anything but after taking a nap, I realized that I absolutely needed rest more than getting an A on an assignment. That it isn’t the end of the world if I don’t get a certain assignment done because in reality, I won’t even remember that assignment in the grand scheme of things when I have my babies and start motherhood. 

But today I felt a lot like Elijah from 1 Kings 19, when he desperately needed a nap and some food. In that story, God had provided him with those things because he was weary and needed support and I feel exactly like that. I have been constantly working myself to get things done. While I have been able to get some down time with God and slow down, I also have been prioritizing random things higher than my health and well being which is really not the vibe. 

But what this month has also taught me is that God is just so amazing and is constantly at work in our hearts. This season has been one that has caused me to draw nearer to Him and the more I do the more I hunger for Him. As I read through Ephesians in my bed, I am reminded that we are called to know God and I have enjoyed knowing him so much. I have been more in the Bible in this season than I ever have and I feel like I am constantly growing in a way that I know is from God. I know that He is shaping me out to be the person that is meant to be a mother to my two little boys and I am so beyond blessed to have God beside me through it all. It is through Him that I know I have grace when I feel like I am falling short. 

I also have grown closer to my communities that have surrounded me, especially my community at church and at seminary. A week ago I had met with my seminary Cohort in person and found out that two of my classmates each have twin boys! Being able to hear that and hear their experiences with them made me realize even more that God is a better planner than I am and that He has placed people in my life who are able to support me in a way that others can’t. I am grateful for the community that God has surrounded me and Aaron with and I am looking forward to sharing my motherhood with them as I continue with my pregnancy. 

That being said, I am tired and exhausted and I am being shaped in a new way that is challenging and hard but also is so fulfilling. Being able to do this with a Godbearing community has been so great and I know that this season is just so fruitful. So yes, I am behind in my classes, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not learning anything.