Satisfied

I’ve never been one that has been content with where my life is at. Growing up, I had always felt like there was something missing. When I was in preschool I would play with my friends “high school” and as I got older, the more I desired from life. I wanted clothes, a phone, a drivers license, to graduate, etc. But I don’t think I was the only person who felt this. I think that I have grown up in a society that has always thought the grass was greener in the future. But not only did I desire materialistic things like the rest of the world, I also desired the love of others. I have felt comparison for pretty much my entire life and recently, I have gone into a season where I don’t want to compare, I just want to be content. 

Since I found out that I am pregnant, I have felt like I am not doing enough or not doing the right things. Am I eating right? Is this feeling normal? Should I be this tired? I felt like I was lacking in school because I was pregnant and having to care for myself more than I ever have, but I also felt like I wasn’t doing pregnancy right because I was trying to prioritize school and still act like a ‘normal college student’. Not only that, but I felt like my comparisons were deeply rooted in the people I saw on social media. 

Getting on the pregnant side of TikTok, I realized that there were women out there who were living aesthetically pleasing lives who got to sleep in and eat a nutritious breakfast and spend time resting and nesting, and doing all things pregnancy related. But my first trimester was a lot of me puking in every bathroom I was closest to, sleeping in as much as I could and then rushing to get ready, eating food that was not nutritious but was the only thing that I could stomach, and for all of it I felt like I looked homeless. Definitely not an aesthetically pleasing life. But as I dove deeper into the world of Pregnant TikTok, I also realized that there is a whole world of opinions on how to be pregnant and be a mom. Opinions were flying on what kind of Prenatals to take, what you should be eating in a day, what kind of clothes to wear, and so much more. And then there is the side that has opinions on what brands to buy from when nesting for the baby to come. I felt this immense pressure to get the best items for my babies but I also wondered, is this how they are selling things to pregnant women now? Scare them into buying an overpriced product just because it's nontoxic and clean and supposedly safer than every other brand that sells the same product? 

My need to compare myself was overwhelming as I was just trying to do the right thing. I felt pressure from social media but also from the people who would give me unsolicited advice! Yes, I know I will be tired when the babies come but I am tired NOW! Yes, I understand that I will get huge, I am pregnant with two growing humans. 

Being pulled every which way, I have come to realize that I needed to block out the noise. Since the new year, I have been able to spend more time with God in my devotional time in the morning which has relieved so much pressure. I also have been spending less time on social media and have even deleted the apps from my phone so that I am no longer looking at the many opinions and lives of others. And since taking a step towards God and away from the weight of others, I have been able to remember that my identity and worth is and has always been rooted in God. 

I am happy where I am at in my life right now. While others may not think so, I am content that I am not achieving big successes because I love that I am pregnant and growing two little babies. I am happy that I am finishing a degree with what I know I will be used for serving others. I am so happily married that I don’t care if I’m missing out on my twenties. Since blocking out the noise, I have really realized how happy I am with my life and I can say that I am really satisfied with where God is leading me. I love serving youth students on Sunday nights and being able to call my church friends my family. 

I know that I will still continue to compare myself to others and I am sure that once the babies come, I will learn about the things that people are warning me about. But instead of being scared and stressed about what may come or what I may be missing out on, I just want to listen to the small voice of God and just know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and doing exactly what I’m supposed to do. As long as my worth and my life is given by God, I know that I am going to be fine.